The Legend of Helda: Bink's Adventure
by Phantom Pheather
Summary: The story of Majora's Mask...only different. Bink, our hero, starts in Sock Town; everything flys off in random directions from there... (NOTE: I know its link;its been change for humor)


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Legend of Ma Jerka

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Tattle?" asked an odd misshapen lump to a small glowing purple flying ball _with wings_.

The flying ball responded, "Yes. That mask looks really funny on you. Try tightening it…no, that won't work. In fact it really is rather ugly…perhaps the spring green?"

"No, you ass! Its time to take over the world!" The lump laughed evilly. It stood there for a few moments, if it could really be called standing instead of "sort of kind of lounging there in a 'I may not look like much but I can do this' sort of way which is almost invariably followed by the…lounger…launching him/her/itself at the viewer squeaking (always the squeaking) something like 'Flying helpless squeaking little furry fat plump hapless pointless rodent kick!' and ending up tripping over to/his/her own shoelaces way" or maybe the ever-popular with lower budget style, just plain "gophering", waiting for something. 

"Damn special effects workers. Never around when you fugging need them…" At this he stalked...well, sort of bounce-hopped off.

Bink woke up. Something was poking him. Something small and lumpish. Something ugly. Something small, lumpish, and ugly. A small, lumpish ugly thing. He jumped, then put a hand to his head. "Whe-where am I?" The small, lumpish, ugly thing didn't answer. In fact, it just sat there giggling in a really annoying way. Its gangly limbs flopped in a discombobulated sort of way and its mask teetered back and forth, as if it really wasn't secured properly in the overhead baggage compartments or placed securely under the seat in front of you. Then Bink noticed the funny looking blue instrument, which was a magical…instrument…called the (Bink and the small, lumpish ugly thing both waited here, but no special effects; both sighed) Ocarina of Lime. "Hey! Give that…instrument…back! And why can't it be a cool harp like that chic Sheik had?" The small, lumpish ugly thing responded by dashing off, with a purple fly ball flying after him. Purple!

"And a PINK flying ball! Why does everyone always forget I'm the reason the whole quest thing got started—"

Heh, heh. What a joker! Anyway, as I was saying BEFORE, the small, lumpish ugly thing (SLUT) ran off into the woods, and Bink ran after, noting the odd types off life. "These sure are odd types of life," he said. The SLUT jumped a crevice, which Bink also jumped…then fell. Fortunately, he landed in an oversize flower ("PINK!" "SHUT UP!"), yes, it was PINK which cushioned his fall enough for Bink to realize that, although the SLUT had jumped the crevice, he had done so on the back of a pony. Which is when Bink saw the SLUT sitting across a small stream.

The SLUT gestured, and pointed a finger at Bink. Nothing happened. "Goddammit, this is the par where the Dull Kid turns Bink into a Dorku scrub!" Suddenly, a green stream of light hit Bink and turned him into a Dorku scrub (bippity boppity boop), who was (conveniently) wearing Bink's precise clothing, except tailored by Dorku's Wearhouse and in GREEN!

The Dull Kid. So that's who this…thing…was. Dull Kid smiled evilly, and in a dull sort of way, then mumbled something about Trombona being gone…forever. Bink gave a loud cry at this. "You…you…BASTARD! You killed Trombona! Do you have any idea how much I love that pony? Do YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I SPENT ON HER!?!" He broke down sobbing. Dull Kid dully shuffled over and patted Bink's back in a somewhat comforting way. He suddenly sat upright, looking angrily at Dull Kid. "You are a VILLAIN! You belong in hell! No, hell would be too good for you. You belong in a VIDEO GAME!!" A loud crash of thunder and a flash of lightning highlighted Bink's insane laughter. He then realized he was the hero, had a fan club of like 50 bazillion people, and stopped laughing. The Dull Kid ran away, and Bink tried to follow, but ended up in some towering building with a clock in it. "This looks like a clock tower," he thought. Also, time seemed not to move while in this clock tower. Bink noticed the odd sensation he got. "This is an odd sensation I get," he thought, "when time seems not to move while in this tower." He walked on. 

While climbing up some stairs, he fell off, and found, to his amazement, that he could frigging HOP! Across water! Like, wow! Then he hopped his last, and fell in the water, doomed to sink amid the moving surface until the end of time, when, instead of being drowned, he would be destroyed, cuz not much can survive the end of time. And live anyway. He finally made it up the stairs, where he saw the most frightening thing he had ever seen in his life. A man. Wearing a backpack. With faces on it. Actually, they turned out to be masks, but if you've ever run into an evil looking guy with masks on his back in a dark, dusty old tower with a clock in it, you would think that this was a demented, insane, programmer-joke man who had faces attached to his backpack. I mean, c'mon! He had MARIO for God's sake!

The insane, demented mask man with an evil look on his face then told Bink about how the Dull Kid had stolen the Mask Man's Ma Jerka Mask. He wanted him to get it back. Bink, being the hero he was, and the fact that both this story and the video game would be really pointless and probably end about here if he didn't, decided to help the guy out. So he agreed. The man opened the doors for him, and promised to give him help if he could come back with a magical instrument…

So off went Bink into the big, large, tall, and amazingly strangely parallel world…at least into Termina anyway. He walked around, having stupid dogs chase him, and kept walking. Then he found this little kid, shooting…something…at a big balloon…with the mask on it. So Bink went up to talk to the kid. The kid didn't respond. Bink got pissed off. He spun around, looking for all the world like a ballerina…nut…and eventually managed to go up a ramp that led into a fairy fountain. The fairy was fractured, into what looked like bunnies. The fairy then told Bink that energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared. Bink looked properly amazed; that is he stood there with his eyelids dropping and his tongue hanging out his mouth, drooling. Then the bunnies told him that he, if found the other…bunny, could reunite the fairy into a fairy. Bink looked bored. A half-naked fairy. Bink perked up, then agreed to go get the…bunny fairy. Thing.

He went and found the bunny fairy…thing…near a shop in East Clock Town. On the way, he met a pair of jesters that told lame jokes (Why did the chicken cross the road? Because cows go moo snarf and run from flaming gophers. I mean, what the hell kind of joke is that?). He took the bunny fairy thing back to the fractured conscience multiple bunny fairy thing former fairy that when combined with this fairy would turn into a half-naked fairy, and it did turn into a half-naked fairy. She then granted Bink a Magic Meter, which kept track of how much magic passed through his pipes at home or granted him magical power. He chose door 2. In Door 2 he found a three-room suite, complete with bath, kitchen, and oh-my-god-I-just-left-my-water-running-the-oven-on-and-my-fireplace-gas-had-been-on-since-last-Tuesday. Actually, that wasn't quite true. My gas has only been on since Friday, so instead of having my house be blown apart in one huge satisfying explosion, my house will now be burned down rather quickly in one unsatisfying exploding burst of flame. That, and the suite contained two half baths. Sorry. 

Bink chose magical power. After all, Fistandantilus and Raistlin had magical power, and both of them challenged a god (well, one kind of tried to challenge a god and got squished by a ton or so of rock, and the other tried but got eternally imprisoned and tortured). Ok, so challenging a god is not a good idea. Well, both of them kicked ass, anyway. And Yoda, in Episode II? He was cool. He could do his little jump across the sky and fly while twirling and bringing the lightsaber forwards thing. He had magical powers. So now Bink had magic, and what could he do with it? Blow bubbles. And not just wimpy little inch bubbles. I mean foot sized bubbles. Out of a snout. Then Bink saw the kid that had pissed him off earlier. So he popped the balloon.

Suddenly, the kid went to Camino, or something like that, cuz he had like four clones. Turns out they were in a gang called the Bombers. They wouldn't let Bink join. So Bink had to go find them, chase them, and catch them within a day. So he started barrel-assing down the streets, at about the speed of an 18 wheeler. That is to say, an 18 wheeler, having so much mass, if started in New York and headed to San Francisco, would reach about 55 mph around Cleveland. You ever wonder why they have those foghorn things? Its because they can't stop for anything. They go through trees, anthills, houses, malls, suburban complexes, cars, crowds of people, and even little kids wearing baseball caps in a land where baseball hadn't been invented. They're like an 18 wheeler, man! Ohhhh…right. 

Anyway, Bink caught the kids, then proceeded to take them to the secret base, while tying him up, then revealing that the girl they slept with was actually working for the enemy, so Mr. Bond, how do you feel now? Um…Or was it that he caught them and took them to a secret lair, where he proceeded to make a fist, but leave the pinkie extended, then stick the pinkie in the corner of his mouth, and ask for one billion dollars? Let's see, somewhere, somewhere… *looks on desk, which is covered (obviously) with billions and billions of dollars, until he reaches the part with scraps of paper. Picks up a few, then looks through them. Lightbulb appears over head, eyes light up, the normal brilliant discovery thing* Right. Okay, I really got it this time. He caught the kids, then proceeded to make them think it was actually a monster chasing them, until a dog came and, for a snack, freed the kids, so they could solve the mystery in time for the police to come. I bet, if they made the police come at the beginning of the show, the kids, knowing that the police were coming, would actually use smart plans, such as repeatedly bashing the monster/ghost/thing/creature/apparition figure over the head with a blunt object (think wooden mallet). No? Damn.

*looks through entire room, then house, searching for another scrap of paper. Finds nothing. Puts hands into pocket, hangs head, looks sad and dejected, so much that you want to send him money. Brings head up, pulls hand out of pocket, holds it up, pumps fist in the air, and is showered with applause and cheers, while his little victory song plays in the background. Then the credits roll* 

Bink got taken to the Secret Hideout, and was initiated into the Bomber guild. HE got access to an observatory, where he was capable of obtaining a Moon's Tear, which, like it sounds, is a large gopher that has the unfortunate tendency of randomly spontaneously combusting. AKA exploding in flames. Bink got this Moon's Tear, and gave it to another Dorku Scrub. The Dorku Scrub thanked Bink kindly, then proceeded to jump and dance for joy. Bink shoved the Dorku out of the way, caught the interception, and jumped into the Dorku Flower. He launched himself upwards, away from the ground, in the general direction of the sky, ie., negative downwards motion. He managed to fly for a few seconds, and a few more, until he reached a platform on the front of the Clock Tower. There he did his ballerina…twirl attack thing for joy. He was getting this down quick! At this rate, he'd have this damned adventure finished by the third day!

Then he realized that the door would not open. He started to get mad. He got even madder. He got so angry that his face stayed the same old brown color, because wood does no have blood vessels like you and me think of them. Bink, being smart, and under my control, decided to go walk around for another day until it reached midnight of the third day. He was smart. So, to kill time, he listened on his CD Player (Circular Disc) to Raver FX and Lit. He was happy. Then the bloody great Clock Tower had to ring again. It was midnight.

Bink prepared for the oncoming battle bravely, by doing his ballerina attack into bushes, until the bushes gave him little Magic Bottles. (No relation to Bottles the mole. These are the little glass/plastic/metal/fiberglass/wood/diamond/gold/silver/precious substance kind.) When his Magic Meter was full, he ran to the Dorku Flower, and flew up to the tower. He took a breath to steady his wooden nerves. He was ready. He dashed into the blackness. Then it cut into a cinema.

Bink ended up in a strange half dome thing, fighting Dull Kid. He could just make out the blackness of the sky, the solemn twinkling of the stars. He was ready. 

"Come down and fight like a man…er, Deku!"

"You come up here and fight like a Dull Kid that can float because he has evil powers that are given by this funny mask here!"

"But I'm not a Dull Kid that can float because he has evil powers that are given by this funny mask here!"

"Oh. I guess you're right. How convenient then, for me anyway, that I'll never tell you that to defeat me you have to spit bubbles at me."

"Oh. I guess I'll not hear that then?"

"Right. You didn't hear that."

"Gotcha."

The bell rang and they went at each other. Bink ducked under the first awesome blast, then barely managed to spin out of the next attack… Or not. Bink Z-targeted the Dull Kid. He managed to circle around twice. Then he noticed the little blue ocarina. He got mad. Spitting mad. He spit a small bubble. The Dull Kid shrugged it off and laughed. Bink shot a big-ass bubble. The Dull Kid dropped the ocarina. Bink dashed for it. The Dull Kid continued swaying in the air. Bink dove at the ocarina. He came up with it in his hand, and managed to roll to the left. The Dull Kid continued sitting there.

"Hey! You! YES YOU!" Bink motioned to Dull Kid. Dull Kid waited. "This is NOT how boss battles are supposed to go! YOU are supposed to attack ME, and then I DODGE!" Dull Kid looked sheepish, or as sheepish as a floating deformed child wearing an ugly mask can look anyway. "Thank you! Now, back to Bob Coburn on ESPN." Bink shot another large bubble. The Dull Kid managed to block it, the next few as well. Bink saw the moon coming down on the clock tower. He gasped in horror. It sounded like: (horrified) GASP! 

Bink pulled out the ocarina. Time stopped (except for the moon. Have you ever tried to influence a sixty katrillion billion million ton object with a power from a ocarina that isn't even (legally) yours?) 50 miles. Bink managed to make a note. He licked his lips and tried again. 40 miles. Bink played the first note of the Song of Time. 25 miles. Bink got off another two notes. Three notes to go. 10 miles. Bink played two more. One note left. 1 mile. Bink blew through it. He moved his finger. 2000 feet. He managed to get the finger precisely on the hole. 100 feet. The last note rang clear and true, signaling the start of the Song. The magic started to spiral out of the ocarina. Impact. The spiral just finished weaving its energy, bringing Bink back through time into the First Day. Bink collapsed

The Mask Man found him, brought him back into the Clock Tower, where he waited patiently until Bink woke up. Bink grunted and opened his eyes. He was looking at something pale and blurry. It straightened out into the Mask Man's face. Bink screamed. The Mask Man screamed. A little kid somewhere screamed. Bink gasped for breath, sweat pouring out of his wooden pores. The Mask Man backed off.

Bink sat up. He walked over to the Mask Man, who was leaning against the wall and drumming his fingertips together. "I see you have returned," he said in a voice that reminded Bink (strangely enough) of a man dressed in black, with a black cape, more machine than man, twisted and evil, with a name like Vader. "Did you bring the mask?" Bink shook his head. "INSOLENT FOOL! YOU DARE PRESUME TO SHOW YOUR PATHETIC FORM BEFORE ME WITHOUT THE MASK? YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!" Bink dashed away, until he reached a giant flapping shoe. A little green cricket came out and started talking about lies and growing noses. Bink ran and ran. He looked back. The shoe and Mask(ed) Man were chasing him. He screamed and ran faster, then tripped over his nonexistent shoelaces. 

Bink woke up for real, shaking off the effects of the dream. He showed the Mask Man the ocarina. The Mask Man (not ed this time) cackled gleefully and clapped his hands together. "Give me the ocarina!" Bink thought about it a bit. He handed it over. The Man snatched it up and secreted it away in his pack. "YOU FOOL! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *ahem cough cough* Just kidding of course." The Mask Man brought it back out and showed Bink the Song of Healing. Bink played it, then blacked out. He woke up as the Mask Man was reaching for his face. He gripped it just in front of the ear, and pulled outwards. Bink felt the mask slip, then come off. He got up. He looked at his feet. He was human! He reached over his left shoulder and pulled his sword. The Kokiri sword caught the light and refracted it, making it a seeming blade of light. Forged by the master (AKA only) smiths of the Kokiri race, in a time when even the childlike Kokiri had to fight, it was a perfect weight and size for a child.

Bink was now ready to go kick some butt in liberal amounts. He was ready. He was really ready. He was ready ready. He was really really ready. REALLY. Really really. Bink ran to the nearest guard he saw. He screamed in joy at the guard that he could finally leave. The guard, reacting in the normal way, gulped, and smacked Bink with his spear butt. Bink blinked. He then repeated to the guard (coherently) that he could leave and was capable of going by himself to wherever. The guard nodded graciously and bowed low, motioning the way out. Bink ran out, screaming in joy again. 

He ran around (screaming), until a little invisible icon in the top right corner of his viewpoint popped up. He pressed it (mentally, of course). Tattle popped up and sprouted some nonsense about something. So Bink went into the Dorku swamp. Thing. He found a large hut, standing on four legs. He climbed the ladder, and found (inside) a…Boat Tour! But it didn't look interesting, so he decided to take it. Yes, you did read that correctly. 

He got on the boat, and was given a camera with which to take pictures. He took pictures. The woman, being somehow distantly related to some annoying kid on my street, said that every one of his pictures sucked, on the basis that she had done this first. (Yes, the kid does actually have this state of mind. Anything which he has done before, you suck at.) Well, the boat finally stopped at a location. Bink stepped off…in time to find out he was given a one-way ticket to Siberia, alter fee at three sheep and a invisible mirror. He found he was at the Dorku Palace.

Bink, being the adventurous sort, ran straight for the entrance. He ran into a Dorku Guard, which shoved him back out. Bink ran at it again. He got shoved out. He ran at it, tripped, slid face first into the doorway, initiating a perfect Slide from Legend of Mana, flipped the enemy to behind him, and dashed for the throne room. Two Dorku unburrowed. Bink did his little side jump thing, managing to dodge the first shove. He rolled forwards, pulling his sword as he did so. He slashed downwards, hitting the Dorku. The Dorku flashed that odd hybrid of red and white that things flash in Zelda when they have been hit. 

Bink did his side jump dealy (always the dealy), managing to dodge the first Dorku nut. He pulled his shield. The second Dorku nut bounced off the shield, managing to miss the Dorku by a hair. Bink used the copyright Jump Attack (you know, the one where you press the A button with your sword out, and end up managing to miss the thing as it moves a fraction of an inch, leaving you stuck with your butt sticking out and your back unprotected?). He ended up smashing through one Dorku guard. The other had closed to twirling distance. Bink quickly recovered and thrust outwards, just in time to be pelted from behind by a withering hail of Dorku nuts. The Dorku closed to smash him down, preparing to carry him back out.

Bink lashed out with his (magical) Sword Spin Technique©. The Dorku were picked up by the shockwave and slammed back into the wall. Bink lunged for the door. A Dorku hurled itself at Bink's legs. Bink went down again. The Dorku jumped him. He came up again, threw a Dorku off, kicked out with his foot. The Dorku started to throw Dorku nuts (no, nobody's you know. These were the normal wooden kind, that come from _plants_). Bink averted his eyes. He pulled his shield, and shield bashed his way to the door. He rolled in, and dove to the left. A squadron of Dorku (Wooden Squadron, actually. This included famous aces Woody McDeku, Nuts McWoody, and Shooter McGunsmack.) lifted off of Airfield 7. They flew straight at Bink, and proceeded to carpet bomb the area. Bink raised his shield above his head and charged back out. He ran into a Dorku at waist height, and executed a perfect fliptrip. He quickly regained his feet with a backwards somersault, and whirled with his palm.

His Quivering Palm®™©J L special Monk attack (1d6+3 damage, +3 in determining to hit. Target must roll saving throw of 28 or above or be stunned for 1d8 rounds) connected against an unfortunate Dorku. The Dorku was thrown back, smashing through his own fellows. Bink saw a small chance. He hurtled forwards, clearing large heaps of Dorku in a single bound (but not buildings). He was about a yard away from freedom when Wooden Squadron dropped their paradorkues in front of him. He turned away from them, and sprinted for an Emergency Exit. He was brought up short by suffering a direct hit. He went down cold.

He woke up back outside the Dorku palace, when he was struck by a brilliant thought. It kind of hurt, as it hit him in the back just as he was getting up, therefore, slamming him face first back into the lilypad he was currently occupying. He got up, carefully, making sure there were no erratically flying brilliant thoughts around. He then managed to get his Dorku Mask out. He placed it carefully over his face, making sure the elastic band was tight and secure. Even though the plastic bag had not inflated fully, oxygen was flowing. He was ready. He pushed the red button that Agent K said to never push. He turned into a Dorku Scrub.

He started humming the James Bond theme as he stole from shadow to shadow. He inched carefully along the wall. He found the door. The two Dorku guards were standing there. Bink crept slowly forwards. The guards continued playing dice. Bink ran forwards, leapt the guards, and did his Ballerina Twirl®©™J L ó attack. He was in.

Then he saw a Dorku butler looking at him funny, and realized he was a Dorku scrub, so could bloody well screw the frigging displays.


End file.
